Embrace life,please

[shinyribs]

My girlfriends Uncle John passed away this afternoon. I was never very close to John,but he has broke my heart these past few weeks.And has also given me a very strong reality check.I need to embrace life.

John was in his 60's. The fact that I don't know his actual age is only part of the reality check I've received. He has had a hard life since day one.Literally.When he was born he got stuck in the birth canal for a very long time and it damaged his skull. The doctors were convinced that with therapy, and possibly surgery, that they could correct the issue and he would be perfectly fine. Babies' skulls are very soft.There was hope for him.Someone just needed to embrace his life.

 But his step father, who married his mother while she was pregnant with him ,was never fond of John since he wasn't his own son. He refused the boy to have the needed medical treatment and John suffered from it. John's family lived very far out and his mother never learned to drive and never left the farm she grew up and died on but a handful of times in her entire life. Even if she tried to reach the doctor herself she didn't know how to find her way into town.And she had no telephone to use for help,either.She was fairly helpless in this situation. They did not embrace his life.

John's skull never was able to grow correctly and he suffered massive mental retardation because of it. He had the mind of a 4 or 5 year old child and it was nearly impossible to understand him when he spoke. Yet,he always wore a smile whenever I saw him. And would laugh and find joy in almost everything. He embraced life.

A few weeks ago John became severely constipated. Turns out it was a cancerous tumor in his bowels that caused this. John never learned to get around very well and was in poor physical condition because of it. He already had blood pressure issues,diabetes and respiratory issues. A bout with cancer is something he just wasn't able to fight.

Have you ever seen a full grown man with fear in his eyes? And I mean the innocent fear of a child? I have. It's terrifying and heart breaking. John just could not understand what was happening to him. He couldn't understand the idea of cancer. Or even death. He just knew he was in constant pain and no one would fix it.

Like I said before,John was always so happy whenever you saw him. In our eyes,we might have pitied him and thought about how sad his life was. But he seemed like he never knew sadness! But he wasn't like that lately. He was hurting.Scared.Confused.Crying.Begging for help that we could not give him. There was nothing any of us could to do to heal him.Or even comfort him. All we could do is sit and suffer while we watched him suffer.

John passed away this afternoon while I was out riding motorcycles with two of my friends. I knew he was still in the hospital. I knew he was scared. I knew that at times he would be all alone in a strange building.With people he didn't know.Faces he didn't recognize.Suffering through pain he didn't cause.

I knew he could die at any moment.

Possibly surrounded by strangers.

And I rode.

Shame on me.

All the years I've known John I've despised his step father,whom I never knew,because he did not help John when he was the only person that could.

Yet,when I had the chance to comfort a dying man. A man with the heart of a child. I chose to ride my motorcycle. I failed John. I didn't embrace his life like I should have.

I'm so ashamed of myself right now.And I feel so guilty.

All of the garbage that we fill our lives with. Motorcycle.Cars.Trucks.Whatever material items that we think is so important,or whatever deadlines we set for our selves...mean nothing. Embrace life,not belongings,please.

Today a man died all alone in a hospital with no friends or family by his side.

 John didn't deserve that. He never had a bad thought or spoke an ill word to any person. He didn't even know how. He was truly an innocent. He deserved the best.

Dont let your bikes,project deadlines,hobbies...or whatever it is you think is so is important interfere with your friends and family. I pitied John. Now I envy his innocence. He didnt love possessions. He loved life. And he was cheated out of his.In every possible way. Yet,he still embraced life with a permanent smile. John Boitnot may have had what we consider the mind of a child. But today,in absence,he just taught me one of life's most important lessons. A lesson I could have learned from him years ago had I only embraced his life myself. But I was just too selfish. Don't be like me.

[TOOLS1]

Since I had a son die, and considered it a blessing after watching him suffer for 19 years, I understand what you are trying to say. However don't go kicking yourself! I'm sure he was medicated, and would not have even known you were there. Even if you were, what could you have done? I'm sure he would have been happy that you were out embracing your life with friends. It's not like you were putting work/making money first. I am sorry for your, and Crystal's loss. However his suffering is now over, and he is in a better place.
TOOLS

[motogrady]

Hey, being there while he was able to get around, including him in your life
while you could, is about as noble a thing you could do.
In my mid 50's, I've seen the fear you speak of, maybe half a dozen times.
Quit hunting in my teens because of it.
The absolute terror of a dying fox or deer, you can see it in their eyes also, just wasn't me.
My mom, my father inlaw, 2 close friends, all 4 of them, it was tough,
may they rest in peace.
They faced what we all will,
sooner or later.

Like Tools said, he was prob medicated, I know they gave me something when I had the back
operated on, as soon as I got there.  Didn't make me bonkers, just put me at ease.
And I'm sure they did the same for John.

Naw, you did fine.  Only time will heal what you feel right now.

hang in there dude.

[Beekeeper]

You need to gather up one of his hats, something that was important to him.  Something to hang on the grab bar or somewhere else.  Then bring him along when you ride.  I always bring my friends fishing pole when  I fish a  river he loved.  I don't use his pole very often, but occassionally, he gets to catch a fish.

[Piute]

     Put trust in your Bible,not man or self.
  Rev.21:4 He will wipe every tear from there eye's and death ,pain,mourning will be no more,
                (lust & greed will pass away)
   What has happened in your heart has happened to many,Time will pass and so will it,
   Glad you gave us all a heart opening and remembrance of one's lost,
   My sister still has lost memoires from the siezer she had,I can't just leave to go see her and
   would it do any good,She's around family and if she thinks of me I hope she calls.
      As I tell many use what you've learned in life to teach ohers other wise it is wasted.
                In my prayer ...piute n judose
 

[dc]

So sorry to hear about your girlfriend's uncle John. You are all in our thoughts and prayers.

[MarkPBG]

I had an emergency back in 2004 which put me in the hospital for 10 days. Doc said I was within two hours of having my intestine rupture from a severe attack of diverticulitis, and if it had, I would have had to have almost immediate surgery or die. Well, since I made it to the emergency room before that happened, just 10 days of antibiotics and round the clock expensive care fixed it. But it made me think. I was always cautious having been raised by one of those timid people who seems to fear everything because they spend so much time worrying about the "what if's" that they never DO anything. So after that experience, I changed my life. I took up shooting, archery, kayaking, canoeing, hiking, biking, hanggliding, skydiving, rode on a mini submarine once, started visiting zoos and nature parks and the beach more, went on an airboat tour of the Everglades and held a 3 foot long alligator in my hands (they're STRONG at that size!!!) started riding motorcycles again after a 10 year break, went camping, rode on scenic train tours, started visiting the local tourist traps and experiencing my area like a tourist with such things as Ghost Walks where they take you on a city tour at night of the allegedly haunted locations, I go to the renaissance fairs now, Started taking classes for a lot of the things I wanted to know more about (photography for now, motorcycle repair, welding and metal working to follow) started going to craft beer tastings, wine tastings, dining events held at local high end restaurants where they offer samples of 4-10 different dishes for just $20 a person, etc. etc. etc. To make it short, If I died tomorrow, I would be satisfied knowing I've lived a full life. I've done more living in the last 8 years than any of my other relatives have in half their lives!

So yes, I agree!......Carpe Diem!

[shinyribs]

Mark,that's awesome! So glad you're out there living it up! Good job bud!

Piute,thanks man. You know that means a lot to me.

DC,thank you for your prayers as well.Much appreciated man.

Beekeeper,great idea! Loved the story about the fishing pole. Very cool bud. I hope y'all catch a bunch!

Grady,thanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate that.I'm sorry for your losses bud. I've only lost one blood family member in my life. I cant even imagine what you've been through. I hear you on the hunting. I used to shoot and skin squirrels for an old man that lives on up the mountain. He loved squirrel,but had gotten too old to hunt them himself. He made some dang good soup with them! But as I was skinning one one day I noticed she was carrying milk.Great,now here babies will starve. I only shoot at paper now.lol

Tools,I know your life has not been a cake walk. You're a saint dude. I envy your patience in a big way. I hope all of your kids realize what all you've done for them. I have huge respect for you bud.Huge.Even with a clutchless bike and a Ford.


Guys,I didn't mean to be a downer,this just hit me hard. John's death hit me harder then when I lost my Grandmother a few years ago.And her death was sudden and unexpected. I guess I just had a long time to contemplate this one and it got to me.And living out in the middle of nowhere sometimes i find myself with no one to talk to. Maybe I should get a dog Funeral is tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to this. I hope he'll be smiling.

[revdoc]

Hello All!

I'm a newbie to the board, came across it looking for info to help my nephew with his CB750. (I own a '81 GL1100 - don't throw stuff at me now!)

I stumbled upon this message and was immediately touched & it hit home. I'm sorry to hear about everything that has happened to your girlfriend's Uncle John, and his death. I'm no expert, but I feel the simplicity he lived wasn't a curse, but a blessing (in "disguise", as it were). I hate that we (as adults) lose that sparkle of childlike innocence as the world hurls fiery balls of crap our way.

Coincidentally, my father's birthday was the very same day your girlfriend's Uncle John passed. My Dad died last year on the 3rd of March after a long bout with high blood pressure, cancer, and the list goes on. Initially, he lived with me as I did my best to take care of him, but eventually his care required more than I could possibly do working full-time and then some - so I had to (almost unwillingly) put him in a nursing home/hospice located a 1/2hour away from my home. When the dreaded call came that things were going awry, I missed Dad by 15 minutes.

In the intervening months, I shouldered a ton of needless guilt, of which still rears its ugly head to this day on occasion. I began to "exist" - not live. A crap job, doing the same stuff, different day type of deal, etc etc. As a child, I'd been very ill & as an adult have spent time in "expensive" care (28 days during Hurricanes Rita & Katrina). You'd think I'd know better...

I have needed a real kick in the ass to get back on track. You know, with that in mind, just these posts have been far more helpful than anything else I've encountered.

As a nod to MarkPBG, I like your approach & will adopt it. Been toying with the idea of starting a custom metalworking business, there's no time like now to just do it - nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Had also given thought to getting a CB750 DOHC to build as a land speed/Bonneville bike (been wanting to do that since I was a kid - Dad was into drag racing Kawasaki's in the late 70s - early 80s).

I suppose the best we can do is carry on with the gifts that those who have left this world have given us & be mindful of that.

Thanks everyone (for the inspiration & reading this long post)! If you're ever in North Texas (Dallas or so), or if I can lend you a hand, let me know.

--Allen

[free2ride]

guilt is the great heart-killer. while it's natural to wonder . . . and to feel pain . . . life is indeed something to embrace.

hang in there . . . care for people and know that people care for you.

[LukeM]

Small world:  my mother in law passed away on Jan 25 at age 78.  She had experienced a severe stroke in 1991.  50% of the time, with this type of stroke, people die before the hit the floor.  Of those that live, 50% don't survive the trip to the hospital.  Of those that live, 50% don't survive the operation to restore.  Of those that live, 50% are bedridden for the rest of their life.  Luckily, my MIL survived all that.  Her left side was asleep, but she adapted and made her life work. Her mind was spared any loss of function. She lived to see her grandchildren reach their 20s. She survived her husband, who lost his battle with cancer in 1995. She survived her son, who died in 2008 at age 49.  Above all that, she never had a bad word to say about anyone or anything.  She took the cards she was dealt, and played the hand the best she could. Ultimately, cancer/pneumonia/osteoporisis/compression_fractures/kidney_stones all took their toll.

My wife and daughter were fortunate to be with her the last week, and hospice did an excellent job keeping her comfortable.  Doubt normally creeps in, along with second thoughts. "Did we do the right thing?" Ultimately, as we reflect on that, it was the right choice, and it was HER choice all the way to the end.

We are on this planet only a short time.  Do what you can to make it a better place.
Luke M

[Lucky 1]

It is good to have a reality check but, none of this is your fault.
If you were in a hospital and a lot of relatives started showing up and
others who you know would not normally show up,wouldn't that make you nervous?
Like maybe you are not going to be going home?

Some people do not want their friends to see them in a
 hospital setting because it can be embarassing.
I know I would not like it.

[shinyribs]

I understand what you mean,Lucky. And you're probably right. Sometimes things just seem different under different lights. I still hate that I didn't go see John on Sunday. But there's nothing I can do about that now.


revdoc,welcome to the forum.And,wow,what a 2nd post! Thanks for the kind words. I'm sorry to hear you've lost your Father. I don't even want to think about losing mine.That's got to be tough. I hope your health is doing better for you now,and will continue to do so in the future.

Thanks to everybody for the kind words. The funeral wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be today. John's sister,Aunt Gent, that has cared for him for all these years was obviously the most upset by the whole situation. But she is an incredibly strong lady and you could tell she was doing her best to keep her composure. For the rest of the family,I suppose. Aunt Gent is 72 years old and she would bath him and lift him around whenever he needing help moving about. I don't know how she did it. Anyways,John rode away in a white hearse today. I've never seen a white hearse before in my life. Always black. I know this seems goofy,but it did me good to see him go in that white hearse. A white car for an innocent soul. Aaaah,too mushy.

Later guys. Best wishes to all of you!