Celibacy

[TOOLS1]

During his first three years of marriage, Frank — a big DIYer — tackled several huge home-improvement projects. At first, Frank's wife Pat loved how their house had shaped up beautifully and without a great deal of cost.

But Pat gradually realized she was lonely and increasingly frustrated that she had, in effect, lost her man to his passion for projects. After Frank forgot their fourth anniversary, Pat announced that she had enrolled them in a Marriage Weekend. During the weekend, Frank tried to listen to the instructor, but Pat noticed that he'd often nod off or doodle on project plans on the back of his handouts. "It's essential," said the instructor, "that spouses know what's important to each other. So men, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Frank leaned over, touched Pat's arm gently and whispered, "Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[LukeM]

OK...since it's joke hour:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.  The guy into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.  But the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar.  He never did any of that .'

[free2ride]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's an ugly woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Cabreco]

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Hey,
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[free2ride]

Cabreco wrote

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Hey,
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[Daddyman]

 A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with motorcycle engines so thought he'd become a motorcycle mechanic. The good doctor went along to the American Institute of Motorcycling, the best motorcycle mechanics school in the country, and completed the training class. The final exam was to strip a bike engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."