Best joke you got----clean!!!

[shinyribs]

 Nice!

[free2ride]

So I'm sitting in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.

I say "Cool accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot."

So I said "OK, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.

[Truck]

[Maz]

Two Parrots were sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"

[Maz]

I hate those little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves!

Maz

[Pastorscrooge]

A pastor was taking a quiet stroll in the forest one morning.  Suddenly his reverie was interrupted by a terrific commotion.  From a thicket burst a man, scratched and bloody, chest heaving, near exhaustion, running for his life, wearing a tee shirt emblazoned with a big rainbow and a pair of torn jeans.  A huge bear emerged from the thicket in hot pursuit, only yards behind the man and intent on catching and mauling him to death.

Finally, a group of rough-and-ready outdoorsman burst into the clearing.  The lead man, armed with a rifle, drew a quick bead and fired; the well-placed bullet finding the heart of the beast and felling it just as it reached the terrified man wearing the rainbow tee shirt.  The other men knelt by the prostrate form of the victim and began to render first aid, bandaging his wounds and offering him water.

The Pastor, amazed at the heroic efforts of the woodsmen, walked over and congratulated them.  "That was the bravest thing I've ever seen," he gushed.  The woodsmen, seemingly confused by the comments, muttered noncommital comments in reply.  The Pastor, not knowing what to make of their response, walked away.

One of the woodsmen walked up to the man with the rifle.  "What was that all about, Bob?" he asked.  "Durned if I know," the rifleman replied.  "By the way, how's the bait holding up?"

[free2ride]

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The RCMP then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

[TOOLS1]

Today I was driving on Hwy 435 and was passed by a Honey Wagon (septic cleaning truck) and on the rear of the tank it said "Caution May contain political promises".
TOOLS

[free2ride]

It was at that point in the ceremony when the pastor asked the audience if there was anyone who wanted to speak now regarding the union or forever hold their peace.

A beautiful young woman with a baby in her arms stepped in to the aisle and walked forward. Chaos broke out.

The bride slapped the groom.

The groom's mother fainted.

The groomsman looked at each other wondering what they should do to gain control.

The pastor asked the young lady what it was she had to say.

"We can't hear in the back."

[free2ride]

Biker Bob rode his chopper up to an ice cream parlor, hobbled inside & painfully sat on a stool & ordered a banana split. The waitress wrote down his order & asked "crushed nuts"?

"No," he replied, "fn hemorrhoids!"