Best joke you got----clean!!!

[MarkPBG]

[MarkPBG]

[MarkPBG]

[shultz_1978]

Good sales man.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give Him a shot, so he gave him the job."You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the Store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor."How many customers bought something from you today son?"The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your Employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida .One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the Boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.He asked(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I Sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.Then I asked him Where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him He was going to need a boat,so we went down to the boat department And I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.Then he said he didn't think His Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition."The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him A boat and a TRUCK!?"The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"

 Keep it real and enjoy life with a smile.

[shinyribs]

That is awesome!!! Haaahaha! Best one so far I think!!

[free2ride]

can't read 'em all to see if this is already here . . .

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Hoosier Daddy]

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.

"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.

"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.

"That's because he's inside your cat!"






Little Johnny's  Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"





The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me."

"Can you tell me what comes after three?"

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven," answers little Johnny.

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?"

"A Jack," answers little Johnny.

[trapper]

What's the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Honda.

 Why the the snail can't ride a motorcycle? Because its eyes will wave.

[seestheday]

Mark, legit LOL on that loud pipes save lives image.

[trapper]

A man walks into a bar with a slap of asphalt under his arm. He tells the bartender, "I'll take a beer and one for the road".  

[shinyribs]

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help. His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

[free2ride]

bada-bing!

[shinyribs]

The Spoon:

 A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

 Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

 I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So,before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 "Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'  

[shultz_1978]

[Truck]

[free2ride]

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
 
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.

"Jeeves," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
"Take off my shoes," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
And he did.

"Jeeves," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
"Take off my blouse," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
And he did.

"Jeeves," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
"Take off my skirt," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
And he did.

"Jeeves," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
"Take off my stockings. And my garter," she said.
“Slowly,” she said. “Carefully”.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
And he did.

"Jeeves," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
"Reach around gently. Unclasp my bra. Take it off." she said.
 “Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
And he did.

"Jeeves," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
"Now the panties." she said.
"Now the panties."
 “Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
And he did.

"Jeeves," she said.
“Yes, Ma’am”, he said.
"Jeeves,” she said, " if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

[Beekeeper]

 The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[shultz_1978]

  Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!" So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers." He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong. The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!!!"

[shinyribs]

Bear Removal Service

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his
roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad
for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear
remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a
baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred
old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?"
the homeowner asked.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot that dog."

[Truck]