Best joke you got----clean!!!

[LukeM]

A guy comes home to find his girlfriend's luggage at the bottom of the stairs, and her rushing around to find her coat.  "What's going on?" he asks.

She replies, "I heard on the radio this morning that, in Las Vegas, girls on the street are getting $350-400 for a b*owjob.  So I figured, I'll go there and get paid for what I give you for free!"

The guy tells her "Wait a few minutes" and goes upstairs.  He comes back down with his bags packed, and tells her, "I'm going with you."

"Why on earth would you come to Vegas with me?"

"Well." he said, "I want to see how you're going to survive in Las Vegas on $800 per year."



Luke M

[shultz_1978]

That was a good one.

[shultz_1978]

I just got off the phone with a friend living in Minnesota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[mikeyboy1]

dad is having a cup of coffee on the porch when his son walks out carrying a roll of chicken wire."where you going w/that?"
" I'm goin'to get us some chickens for supper".that evening he comes home dragging the wire w/a half dozen chickens on it.pop is astonished-the kid just smiles.
a week later ,same scenario only this time the kid's got a roll of duck tape.dad asks where he's going w/duck tape & the kid says "I'm going to get us some ducks". dad just laffs but that evening here comes the kid dragging that roll of tape w/ a half dozen ducks on it ! dad is dumbfounded-the kid just smiles.
the next week out comes the kid w/a bundle of sticks under his arm. dad asks him "what do you have there"?
the kid says " oh, these are pussy willow sticks....."
dad says " wait till I get my hat... I'm coming w/you this time !"

[free2ride]

for Easy:

Once upon a time long, long, ago there was a season when neither the Toronto Mpale Leafs nor the Montreal Canadiens [edit: as hard as that is to believe] made the Stanley Cup playoffs.

It seemed so unusual, that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition: the team that caught the most fish by the end of the week wins.

So on a cold northern Ontario lake they began their contest.

The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Canadiens had caught 100 fish and the Leafs had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Canadiens had caught 200 fish and the Leafs 0.

That evening the Leafs coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place", So the next morning he dressed one of his players in Canadiens colors and sent him over to their camp to act as a spy.

At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"

"They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice".

[shultz_1978]

An exceptionally Good Catholic Joke

 The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

 The Pope leans towards President Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my

hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary

display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

 Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

 AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!


 Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Truck]

   

[shinyribs]

 Good one man!

[shultz_1978]

Okay one more
Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President of America;
Good research work by a fine institution.

OBAMA RATED 5th BEST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY
From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama is rated as the 5th best. The A&M's Public Relations Office released this statement, "After only 5 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best President ever."
These are the details according to Texas A&M:

1. Reagan & Lincoln tied for first,
2. Twenty three presidents tied for second,
3. Seventeen other presidents tied for third,
4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and
5. Barack Obama came in fifth.

Okay; this is reasonable.

[Truck]

Shiney and Tools walk out of a bar.... Hey, it could happen.

[shinyribs]

I'd walk. He would stagger.

[TOOLS1]

I think we should test this theory.
TOOLS

[SlayerFan]

HA!!! :D

[shinyribs]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as  

his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's  

legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you  

doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make  

sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking  

worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom   ....'

[Truck]

[shinyribs]

Now, that is funny!

[TOOLS1]

My favorite JohnBoy And Billy letter.


TOOLS

[Truck]

[shultz_1978]

Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[shinyribs]

  That's awesome.