Best joke you got----clean!!!

[shultz_1978]

​A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.


             Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come
             home.

             Sergeant: What is her height?

             Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

             Sergeant: Weight?

             Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

             Sergeant: Color of eyes?

             Husband: Never noticed.

             Sergeant: Color of hair?

             Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

             Sergeant: What was she wearing?

             Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

             Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

             Husband: She went in my truck.

             Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

             Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with
             eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a
             custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba"
             floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation,
             21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special
             alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers
             door.

             At this point the husband started choking up.

             Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck

[shinyribs]

Keep 'em comin' Jamie! You got me in stitches over here.

[free2ride]

thought of you, Shiny . . .

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an avid opponent of hunting purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and, as a result, got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she rushed to a local ER to see a doctor. As she explained how she came to get all the splinters, she shared with him that she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and how much she despised hunters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room while he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a waste treatment facility. I’m sorry, but due to Obamacare they turned you down.”

[shinyribs]

Oh, that's a good one!  So wrong, but so funny. :D

[shultz_1978]

Husband takes his wife to her high school reunion.
 
 After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they
 are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
 
 There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.


Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating

[shultz_1978]

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.  
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.  
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again,'Pick me up.'  
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'  Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'




With age comes wisdom.

[free2ride]

A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

He was asked "Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet,” he replied. The floor's still wet."

[Truck]

So I got pulled over the other day....
Cop: You drinking?
Me: You buying?
I laughed, he laughed, I need bail money...

[shinyribs]

[shultz_1978]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
 The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
 ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[piute 2]

[shinyribs]

What happened to garages?? 16" bud wheels on a box van. I need two new fronts. 3 shops said they couldn't lift it, and the fourth shop claimed it's add oddball size. It's a 215/85. The tire every dual wheel truck I've ever owned or seen has ran. Except for these new trucks with all these funky rim sizes and wide tires. Man, shits changing and I don't like it.

[Truck]

[shinyribs]

Truck wrote

Nailed it. lol

[piute 2]

CONTENTS DELETED

The author has deleted this message.

[shinyribs]

Truck wrote

Hmm...or maybe you were pointing out the fact that I'm an idiot and totally whizzed by the random thoughts thread to post this in the wrong place. :) I gotta catch up on some sleep

[piute 2]

download_(1).html

[Truck]

Naa, saw this the other day and thought it was funny.

[shinyribs]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules '
From the female side


Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.



1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way


1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible,
Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,'
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
football, cricket, baseball or motor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape !


1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.


Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.


Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

[free2ride]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.