Best joke you got----clean!!!

[shultz_1978]

That was good

 It Can Be Hard To Keep A Straight Face As A Court Room Reporter,
These are from a Book called: 'Disorder In The American Courts' and there are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court Room Reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , "Where am I, Cathy"?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your Memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your Memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a Person Dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the Bar Exam?
ATTORNEY: The Youngest Son, the 20 Year Old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your Picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of Conception of the Baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had 3 children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were Boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any Girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a Different Attorney. Can I get a New Attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your First Marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By Death.
ATTORNEY: And by Whose Death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the Individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and he had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a Male or a Female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with Male.
ATTORNEY: Is your Appearance here this morning pursuant to a Deposition Notice which I sent to your Attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your Autopsies have you performed on Dead People?
WITNESS: All of them. The Live Ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your Responses must be Oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you Examined the Body?
WITNESS: The Autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was Dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the Autopsy, did you check for a Pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for Blood Pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for Breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the Patient was Alive when you began the Autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his Brain was sitting on my Desk in a Jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the Patient have still been Alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and Practicing Law.

[Piute]

[shultz_1978]

Man survives grizzly bear attack, using just a small caliber Beretta pistol...

[shinyribs]

Aw man. That's just brutal!

[Piute]

[free2ride]

shinyribs wrote

Aw man. That's just brutal!

so are you going to amend your sig to include "where's my .25 ACP"?

[MarkPBG]

[MarkPBG]

[MarkPBG]

[LukeM]

Back in the 70s, a local radio station was giving away a Ford LTD Country Squire station wagon.
 
Big motor, AC, woodgrain trim, the works.  Amazingly, the two hillbillies actually won the vehicle.  They went down to the station, and got the keys.  Going to their truck, they got some tools, and immediately set to the side of the wagon with a prybar, scrapers, and hammers, peeling off all the woodgrain trim!

2 hours later, they look at each other, and the car all dented and scratched (but without a speck of trim) and one says to the other,

"Y'know, I think it looked better when it was still in the shipping crate."

*rimshot*

Believe it or not, this joke actually won me a waterbed for being Joke Of The Week.
Luke M

[TOOLS1]

I can relate to that. LOL I once had an 85 Pontiac station wagon, and I just had to peel the shipping crate off it. However mine looked a lot better without it, You know 15 years later I wish I still had that car. I would love to convert it to 4WD.
TOOLS

[shinyribs]

> An old country preacher...
>
> ...had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some
> thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy
> didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
> concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his
> father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and
> placed on his study table four objects..
> 1. A Bible...
>
> 2. A silver dollar...
>
> 3. A bottle of whisky...
>
> 4. And a Playboy magazine...

> 'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself.
> 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks
> up.
>
> If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
> blessing that would be!
>
> If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that
> would be okay, too.
> But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum,
> and Lord, what a shame that would be.
> And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
> skirt-chasing womanizer.'
>
> The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he
> entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
> The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room
> he spotted the objects on the table..
>
> With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he
> picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the
> silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
> took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
> 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
> 'He's gonna run for Congress.'

[Beekeeper]

I'm rapidly approaching 60, and thought I should get to the gym to build a little muscle.  Gyms have changed a lot over the years, and as I was using one of the machines, a stunningly beautiful woman walked in, wearing not much more than a sports bra and short shorts.  I asked the trainer which machine I should use to impress her.  He looked at me for a long second, and said he felt the ATM was probably the best for what I had in mind!!

[Piute]

                                                       

[LukeM]

One more oldie but goodie:

If you smoke after sex, you're probably going at it WAY too fast.

#rimshot

Luke M

[shultz_1978]

don't mean to offend any blondes, but this are toooo funny!

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.  
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

[LukeM]

Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield:

I met a nice girl at a nightclub, and decided to ask her to go to my place for a little hanky-panky.
She replied, "I don't do this kind of thing, normally."
I said to her, "It's all right, I'm a little weird myself."

Luke M

[shultz_1978]

Redneck Hooker
 
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows

'Twenty dollars' she  whispers

Billybob had never been with a hooker  before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks So they hide in  the bushes..
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them It is a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
 
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Redneck answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I  didn't know'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya  shined that light in her face.

[Piute]

     Think all Carpenters use the nail one,
        But the hooker .

[MarkPBG]