Best joke you got----clean!!!

[shultz_1978]

Nice one Shiny. I could not remember if this was posted or not.
WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, s, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'... He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the walls and change out the heating system. To get rid of the smell. But I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

[Truck]

Since this is a motorcycle forum the following substitutions are allowed –

Brunette = Honda rider
Redhead = Triumph rider
Blond = Harley rider

A brunette, blond and a redhead are sitting out watching the stars one night.
        “My kind is going to be the first to return to the moon one day.” The brunette states proudly.
        “So what” says the redhead “My kind are going to be the first to step foot on Mars!”
        “That’s nothing, my kind are going to be the first to go to the Sun!” proclaims the blond.
        “You’re an idiot, you can’t go to the Sun you’ll burn up.” laughs the brunette.
        “Duh, we’re going at night!!!”
                                 

A blond is driving down a road next to a dry lake bed.  At one point she looks out her window and sees another blond in a kayak pushing herself along the lake.
        “What are you doing?” the first blond yells to the kayaker.
        “My personal trainer said I needed a better workout and that I should try kayaking.  He’s right, this is very hard!”
        “You’re an idiot!” the first blond yells “You can’t kayak in a dry lake!  It’s girls like you that give us blondes a bad name.  If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!!!”

[shultz_1978]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?”
The little boy says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”
... The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says.

“Thanks mister”, says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

“Little boy”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren

[shultz_1978]

 On May 26th, 2011 (true story!) a group of Harley bikers were riding south on I-275 in Florida when they saw what appeared to be a girl about to jump off the Sunshine Skyway. They stopped.

The leader, Randy, a big brutish guy of 53ish or so, smoothly dismounted from his bike, strode through the gawkers, past the Florida State Trooper, and asked, "What are you doing?" "I don't want to live anymore," she replied. Not wanting to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity, Randy slyly suggested ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
 
With no hesitation at all, she leaned toward him and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. During the intimate moment Randy had carefully and gently managed to grip both of her wrists with his incredibly strong hands. The crowd started applauding and cheering.
 
Then Randy says, "That's the nicest kiss I've ever had, you sweet thing! It's a whole beautiful life you might be throwing away. Why do you want to die?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 The onlookers are unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

[shinyribs]

       one of the best yet!

[B-radical]

Why do women fake orgasms?

Cause they think men care !

[zer213]

Have you heard what they are doing with Joe Paterno's statue? The university library is moving it indoors to remind students to be quiet.

[shultz_1978]

 

Making a baby. This is hilarious!  

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--  

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby  photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?'  said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we  start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.  

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when  you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.  

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually  chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'  

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

 
 
 

[shinyribs]

Best one yet! Thats awesome!

[shultz_1978]

I work at a desk and see jokes every day> I pick out the good ones and post them here.

[shinyribs]

[Piute]

Holding on to this VID,
 1978,Great one,

[shultz_1978]

That was a good one.

[Hoosier Daddy]

Just got this one today, hope it's not a repeat...

Roadblocks

Just a reminder for friends and family:

At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great
regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my
closest friends about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with
the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over
the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had
a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before; I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a
police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I
have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what
to do with it now that it's in my garage.

[Larry spillman]

I think my Mechanic is Gay, I heard he blew a seal in his pickup

[Piute]

[Piute]

A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much is it for one condom?" he asked the pharmacist. "Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're $3.50," said the pharmacist. "Darn," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend." "Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a box for free." "Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.

That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed.

"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply

[shinyribs]

[TOOLS1]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!
TOOLS

[LukeM]

Saw this one on FB, and had to share it.
Luke M
==============================
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.