Best joke you got----clean!!!

[shinyribs]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

[shinyribs]

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for
the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman'
and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said,
'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation,
said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house? That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The man replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over,
so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
her along with a $10 tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

[Piute]

                                                           


                                                           

[shinyribs]

Before a political battle ensues remember...its just a joke



sort of...


See how this turns out for you!
Don't cheat and look ahead.
This is amazing how it picked my favorite movie from a list of 17 movies. Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done all the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can predict which of 17 movies you would enjoy the most. It really works for MOST of us anyway!
Movie Test:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 17 movies below
got the number? ... now continue ...
Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Now, isn't that something...?

[Piute]

                                                                   

                                                                   

[TOOLS1]

Hey that works. Mine was number 9.
TOOLS

[Lincoln Highway Bullitt]

Guts or balls.?There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you fucking flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby...'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death

[shinyribs]

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et. al.:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.

2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.

3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.

5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.

6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

7. We'll keep capitalism, corporations, pharmaceutical companies, and Wall Street.

8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.

9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors...

17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right.

18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".

20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag.

22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S..: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country.

[shultz_1978]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized taser.  The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  I loaded two AA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!  I was disappointed. I learned, however that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.  AWESOME!!!  Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, right?  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and  a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a tree-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the group like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting of the batteries.  All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5: long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two isty, bitsy triple A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happend next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thight, pushed the button, and.... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one not of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!!!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be considered conservative?   SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I had no control over the drooling.  Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.  I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.  I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for the safe return!!

P.S.  My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Well TOOLS1 is that the one

[TOOLS1]

shultz_1978 wrote

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized taser.  The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  I loaded two AA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!  I was disappointed. I learned, however that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.  AWESOME!!!  Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, right?  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and  a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a tree-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the group like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting of the batteries.  All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5: long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two isty, bitsy triple A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happend next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thight, pushed the button, and.... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one not of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!!!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be considered conservative?   SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I had no control over the drooling.  Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.  I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.  I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for the safe return!!

P.S.  My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Well TOOLS1 is that the one

Yep! That's the one.
TOOLS

[Piute]

  This guy tells his wife when I die I WONT ALL MY MONEY BURIED WITH ME  The guy died She wrote him a check

[Piute]

                                                      had this saved

[rrgunslinger]

My wife said she wanted something that would go from 0 to 160 in 3 sec, so I got her some scales.

On Sat, Jun 16, 2012 at 7:21 PM, Piute [via Honda CB750'S] <[hidden email]> wrote:

  This guy tells his wife when I die I WONT ALL MY MONEY BURIED WITH ME  The guy died She wrote him a check

                            1977 CB750 F2 Super Sport
<LET THOSE WHO RIDE DECIDE><RIDE TO LIVE-LIVE FOR JESUS> 
Native American from central Cal,  Kickstand down in S.W.Missouri,
                                     Titled N owned;
 6 Harley's,2 Honda's,2Kawasaki's,2 Triumphs,28 vehicle's
 I used and abused them all,But Triumph's sold before could
 NOT A mechanic,          Custom Auto Body N Paint by birth
     But am An Elc oholic                                  >STOCK SUCKS<

                                                                                                   

---

If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:

http://honda-cb750-s.456789.n3.nabble.com/Best-joke-you-got-clean-tp3273649p4023107.html

To start a new topic under Honda CB750'S, email [hidden email]
To unsubscribe from Honda CB750'S, click here.
NAML

[rrgunslinger]

LOL

On Sat, Jun 16, 2012 at 7:42 PM, Piute [via Honda CB750'S] <[hidden email]> wrote:

                                                      had this saved

                            1977 CB750 F2 Super Sport
<LET THOSE WHO RIDE DECIDE><RIDE TO LIVE-LIVE FOR JESUS> 
Native American from central Cal,  Kickstand down in S.W.Missouri,
                                     Titled N owned;
 6 Harley's,2 Honda's,2Kawasaki's,2 Triumphs,28 vehicle's
 I used and abused them all,But Triumph's sold before could
 NOT A mechanic,          Custom Auto Body N Paint by birth
     But am An Elc oholic                                  >STOCK SUCKS<

                                                                                                   

---

If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:

http://honda-cb750-s.456789.n3.nabble.com/Best-joke-you-got-clean-tp3273649p4023110.html

To start a new topic under Honda CB750'S, email [hidden email]
To unsubscribe from Honda CB750'S, click here.
NAML

[shultz_1978]

This one's not new (a little silly) ... but I still like it.--TG
TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a littlebeverage,good food and companionship. She goes on Fridays and I go onTuesdays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is inTexas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggestedthe kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric breadmaker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So Ibought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was waterin the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In thelake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud felloff.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for thegarbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was"Always"s.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like tointerrupt her.13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on theTV?" I said "Dust!"

[shultz_1978]

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
THE BOY "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.""Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".The boy thought for a moment..."You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for The pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 
 
 
 
 

Sorry I had to post this

[shinyribs]

I'm glad you did!

[Truck]

Two blonde’s rented a boat and went out fishing together one fine summer day. It was a great day for fishing, and they found the perfect spot, which was just brimming over with fish. They caught so many that they were determined to come back and fish in the same spot the next day.
"How are we going to find this spot again?" asked the first blonde as they rowed for home.
"Don't worry, we'll find it again," said the second blonde. "I put a mark on the bottom of the boat right over the place where we were fishing."
"Great," said the first blonde enthusiastically. Then he frowned: "But how do you know we'll get this same boat tomorrow?"

[shultz_1978]

I just wanted a pizza... http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

[shinyribs]

HA! Thats pretty funny Shultz!



With the Euro plummeting like a stone, the Ford Motor Corporation has announced that it is to acquire French state-owned Automobiles Renault.

Engineering teams from the two companies have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Clitaurus”. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you simply can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and their curb weight typically increases with age. The manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.