Best joke you got----clean!!!

[shinyribs]

Heres one early for Halloween...just for you Tools


                    A  couple was invited to a swanky costume  party.
Unfortunately,  the wife came down with a terrible headache and  told her husband to go to the party  alone.


          He  being a devoted husband protested, but she  argued and said she was going to take some  aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for  his good time being spoiled by not  going.

          So  he took his costume and away he  went.
The  wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour,  awakened without pain and, as it was still early  enough, decided to go the  party.

          Since  her husband did not know what her costume was,  she thought she would have some fun by watching  her husband to see how he acted when she was not  with  him.

          She  joined the party and soon spotted her husband  cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing  with every nice woman he could, and copping a  little touch here and a little kiss  there.

          His  wife sidled up to him and being a rather  seductive babe herself, he left  his  current  partner high and dry and devoted his time to the  new babe that had just arrived. She let him go  as far as he  wished...  Naturally,  (since he was her  husband.)

         Finally,  he whispered a little proposition in her ear and  she agreed. So  off they went to one of the cars and had a  quickie.

          Just  before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away,  went home, put the costume away and got into  bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would  make for his  behavior.

          She  was sitting up reading when he came in, and she  asked what kind of a time he  had.
He  said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never  have a good time when you're not  there."

         -  "Did you dance much  ?"

          -  "You know, I never even danced one dance.. When  I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some  other guys, so we went into the den and played  poker all evening.. But you're not going to  believe what happened to the guy I loaned my  costume  to...."

[TOOLS1]

ROFLMAO.
TOOLS

[Daddyman]

Holy crap that's awesome!

[MarkPBG]

A WOMAN WHO READS

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?) "You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading. "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up. "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

[MarkPBG]

Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded,
the officer said

"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[MarkPBG]

Emotional Needs

A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up But then the lady
stops and says, "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"

The lady explains that he must be in tune with her
emotional needs as a Woman.

Then he realises that nothing is going to happen
tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next
day the man takes her shopping at a big department
store. He walks around and has her try on
three very expensive outfits.

She can't decide. He tells his woman
to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth
$200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department
where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has
flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
He says "you don't even play tennis,
but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The woman is jumping up and down so
excited she cannot even believe
what is going on. She says "I am ready to
go, lets go to the cash register."

The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel
like buying all this stuff now."

The woman's face goes blank.

He Continues-"I just wanted
you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable
and she is about to explode.

The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man".

[MarkPBG]

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

[MarkPBG]

(LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.)


Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is
not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like
the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals  for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over  in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but  I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,
Gail.

[MarkPBG]

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his check, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[shinyribs]

The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man".

I love that one!!!

[MarkPBG]

JOKE ... A young man just graduated from med school...


and gets a job in his home-town at a nursing home.

It just so happens it's the same nursing home his grandpa is in.

One day he takes a look at his grandpa's chart to see how he's doing. He doesn't see anything out of the ordinary until he reads the daily log.

Just before bed, the nurses would give him a cup of hot chocolate and a pill of Viagra. Needless to say this sparks some curiosity in the young doctor and he heads over to the nurse's station to ask about it.

He approaches the desk and says to the head nurse "I see you nurses are giving my grandfather a cup of hot chocolate before he goes to bed."

The head nurse says, "Yes. He loves it. It helps calm him and puts him right to sleep."

So the young doctor asks her, "But why do you give him Viagra?"

The nurse kind of giggles a little, starts to blush and says, "Heehee. That's to help keep him from rolling out of bed."

[MarkPBG]

Here's one I wrote myself….

So I decided to buy a new bike. I drove down to the local sport bike shop to get something fast and shiny. As I got out of my car, I looked toward the glass windows, behind which was my awaiting midlife crisis. I approached and saw all the salesman scrambling. "Good." I thought "They're business is slow, so I can talk myself into a good deal." I saw one salesman running for a phone. I'm sure he's letting the manager know that a customer is coming in! As I'm walking up the steps, looking over the used bikes out front, the doors suddenly opened before me…"Red Carpet Treatment!" I thought. Then my midlife crisis was over in a flash, as two of the biggest, burliest, nastiest looking unarmed mall-type security guards stepped out and blocked my way. Before I could utter a word, they pointed to my car and said, "No, you're too fat and ugly to ride a sport bike, the Harley dealership is two miles south on this road, goodbye."

Sigh…..

[shinyribs]

HaHa    Thats is just wrong,man!

[shinyribs]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times lasts year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husbands ribs, said "That's once a day. You could really learn something from this one. "The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a complete recovery.

[shinyribs]

Last night 2 cops showed up at my door. One was holding a picture. He asked me is this your wife? I said yes it was. He then stated i am sorry to say but it looks like she has been hit by a bus. So i said i know but she has a great personality and is good with the kids..................

[MarkPBG]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."

[MarkPBG]

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

[MarkPBG]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

[MarkPBG]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous,
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[MarkPBG]

e would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'