Best joke you got----clean!!!

[MarkPBG]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

[MarkPBG]

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes?'
Biker: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'
Driver: 'No I haven't'
The Biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While
Passing it, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes?'
Biker: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'
Driver: 'No I haven't'
Then suddenly there is a curve, the Biker sees it too late.
He crashes off the road into a ditch.
A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky Biker.
Covered in blood and surely dying, the Biker
Asks: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'
'Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years'.
The Biker says: "Tell me, where are the f'n brakes?'

[MarkPBG]

A California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer pulls over a woman for speeding. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."

He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

[MarkPBG]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a
seat at the counter.

Then, a second biker walked over to the old man, spit into his glass of milk, and then took a seat at the counter.

Finally, a third biker verbally attacked the old man, knocked his plate of food into his lap, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, "Not much of a man, is he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

[shinyribs]

DOG's DIARY :


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted!  My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT's DIARY :

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
 
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
 
He is obviously retarded.

[shinyribs]

When you are striking a pose for a photo opportunity...at least get the phone right side up.HaHa   this cracks me up!

[shinyribs]

One of the all time best marketing gimmicks ever

[MarkPBG]

Found a motorcycle forum with a thread on funny motorcycle related pics…a lot of funny ones here…some 'shopped, but funny.
http://bikerflorida.com/forum/index.php?topic=398.0

[shinyribs]

Theres some really cool stuff there.Thx Mark

[TOOLS1]

Just got these from Kate at Cycle one

HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
A Christmas gift....

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

 

 

 

[shinyribs]

[MarkPBG]

A friend posted a link to a hilarious video and I'd like to share, but it's not family friendly. Anyone who wants to see it, please email me for the link, if you're over 18.

It's a video on the Apple iPhone 4s and the voice recognition software, "siri". A funny argument between husband and wife through the software.


Got one request...email sent.

[Piute]

          Why ! do folks from Arkansaas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more ?
                                                                                             17 and under are not admited

[MarkPBG]

LOL…damn, how did I miss these? I didn't even see them when I posted two spots down! Good ones Tools!

[LukeM]

I may have posted this before: if so, I apologize.

How do we know that toothpaste was invented in West Virginia?

If it were anywhere else, it would have been called teethpaste.

:-)

Luke M

[Snufy]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'

[hc243102]

CONTENTS DELETED

The author has deleted this message.

[Piute]

brail

[free2ride]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido..

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
...
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's again!'

[LukeM]

Joke from a visually impaired friend of mine:

A guy walks into a local grocery store, led by his Pilot dog.  Carefully, he heads to the center of the store, and proceeds to twirl the Pilot dog over his head by the leash in big circles.

Horrified, the office manager runs over, hearing the dog yelp and bark, and asks, "What are you doing?  Can I help you?"

To which the blind guy says, "No thanks, just having a look around."

And another one from him:

A man goes to visit his blind friend, and they get to talking about living with blindness.
Topics come and go, and he notices the blind guy has the TV on.

"How do you manage to 'watch' TV?"
"Oh, the dialogue, mostly.  Sometimes I'll need a sighted person to describe the scene, but I get it OK."
"Ever watch adult movies?"
"Yeah, sometimes."
"What do you think? What does it 'sound' like?"
"Oh, mostly bad jazz, and asthma."

Luke M