Best joke you got----clean!!!

[MarkPBG]

YOu know what, I like Harley's and I want to own one in addition to my foreign bikes, but this is still funny…..

An Honest Harley Commercail:

https://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2bgGDr/www.youtube.com/watch?v=izzlN2zC8PU/

[MarkPBG]

Motorcycle safety ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH34xzIdY58&feature=player_embedded

[shinyribs]

I had to laugh out loud at the coin operated bike!The props to Eric Buell was awesome,too.Cool link Mark

[MarkPBG]

A Stranger came up to Biker Bob one day......

Stranger: "That your dog?"
Biker Bob: "Yep."
Stranger: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Biker Bob: "Dog doesn’t talk."
Stranger: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Biker Bob: (Look of shock!)
Stranger: "Is this Biker Bob your owner?" (Pointing at Biker Bob...)
Dog: "Yep."
Stranger: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Biker Bob: (Look of total disbelief)
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Biker Bob: "Horse doesn’t talk."
Stranger: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Biker Bob: (Extreme look of shock!)
Stranger: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Biker Bob..)
Horse: "Yep."
Stranger: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Biker Bob: (Look of total amazement)
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Biker Bob: "That sheep is a damn liar."

[MarkPBG]

Overheard at the office water cooler:

"Is it sexual harassment if a midget says your hair smells nice?"

[MarkPBG]

Definition of a gun collector:



You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had an estimated 1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. His house also had a secret escape tunnel. My favorite quote from the television reporter was, "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache”. By southern California standards, the man was assumed to be "mentally unstable." However, if the same guy lived...

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector”.

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he'd be called, "The neighborhood Go-To guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called, "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called, "an eligible bachelor".

And, in Texas,he’d be called, “a deer hunting buddy”.

[MarkPBG]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit

and drew a question from Science and Nature.
She was asked, "If you are in a vacuum and someone says your name, will you be able to hear it?"
After thinking it over, she asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

[MarkPBG]

How is a tornado like a redneck divorce?

Somebody's gettin ready to lose a trailer.

[MarkPBG]

A little boy asked his mother

"Mommy, may I go swimming in the ocean?"
"Sorry, honey. The water's too rough and there's a dangerous undertow. Plus, this part of the coast in notorious for jellyfish and sharks," she explained.
The little boy persisted, "But Daddy's out there swimming in the ocean."
"Well, yes, but your daddy has excellent life insurance," she answered.

[MarkPBG]

broke outhouse



Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

[MarkPBG]

Busy Day at the Office................




My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control.It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm in the foursome behind you."

[MarkPBG]

Not so much a joke as a practical joke…..watch what these guys do to this poor soul who is just looking to buy a Jeep Commanche!…… LOL…….

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=107

[shinyribs]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No son, I don't dance.... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing..

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule,
pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir.... but.... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....

[shinyribs]

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, s, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'... He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store. Embarassed

[LukeM]

A husband and wife were having some problems in their sex life. After meeting with a counselor, they got their homework: no sex for a month. This was to heighten their despite for each other.
First week they checked in with the counselor: "doing ok, some urges and desire, staying with the plan."
Second week's report: "lots more desire, still enough willpower to stay the course."
Third week's report: "husband climbing the walls, wife too, getting hard to resist."
Fourth week ends, and they visit the counselor. "Well, how did it go?" The husband answered, "We tried to lady out the whole month, but we failed. 2 days ago, my wife bent over to get a can of peaches from the bottom shelf, and she looked so good, I just took her right then and there. It was noisy, it was like we were two animals, howling and so forth."
The counselor smiled and said, "So it all worked out ok?"
"For the most part, yeah, but we can't go back to that Kroger's anymore."

[Piute]

  @ RIBS
    just painted it ,but quit couple weeks ago,place stunk

[shinyribs]

Piute wrote

@ RIBS
    just painted it ,but quit couple weeks ago,place stunk

Oh, it was your store huh?!LOL

[shinyribs]

Not exactly a joke but a friend sent me some food for thought: "The U. S. food stamp program, which is part of the Department of Agriculture, is proud to tell us that they are now feeding and distributing to our citizens the greatest amount of food stamps, ever, in the history of this country!!

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also a part of the Department of Agriculture, admonishes us to "Please do not feed the animals" because animals will grow dependent on handouts, and they will forget, or never learn, how to feed and take care of themselves."

Hmmm.Makes ya think,doesn't it?

[Piute]

                                                   

[shinyribs]

A 9 year old boy goes up to his father and asks: Dad what is the difference between potentially and realistically? Dad says hmmmm! Tell you what go ask youre mother, sister & brother if they would all sleep with brad pitt for a million $$$. So he does and a couple of days later his dad asks if he had learned the difference. The 9 year old boy says: potentially we stand to make 3 million dollars. realistically we live with 2 hookers and a Que(flamer)

keep it clean right.