Best joke you got----clean!!!

[shinyribs]

bad jazz and asthma

[MarkPBG]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked him for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.  
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, the holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
Some men just don't know when to stop talking….


Thanks to Edgewalker54 who posted this on Cyclefish.com

[MarkPBG]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tension strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON-OF-A-BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Credit for this one also goes to Edgewalker54 on Cyclefish.com

[MarkPBG]

An older, well traveled biker sits in a bar watching as a haughty young man comes in and orders a shot of 12 year old scotch. The bar tender is irritated and gives him a shot of bar scotch. The man takes a sip and spits the drink out and demands a shot of 12 year old scotch. The bar tender decides to **** with the man and gives him a shot of 6 year old scotch. He takes a sip and spits it out again and exclaims, “that’s 6 year old scotch, I said I wanted 12 year old scotch!” The bar tender smiles and pours a shot of 9 year old scotch. The man takes a sip and, again, spits it out, exclaiming ,angrily, “I said 12 year old scotch!” The bar tender decides that the man does, indeed, know his scotch and pours him his shot of 12 year old scotch. He sips it once, then sips it again, and says, “ Now that is 12 year old scotch !” The old biker sidles up to the young man with a glass of liquid and says to him “Here, taste this”! The young man takes a swig and immediately spits it out and says “It tastes like piss”! “Yeah”, says the old biker,”It’s mine, How old am I”?


credit to DesertEagle on Cyclefish.com

[MarkPBG]

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

Now I know you think it is about being politically correct but that is wrong. It IS NOT for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was NO problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!!!


Credit to RexTheRoadDog on Cyclefish.com
sometimes you just find a website that's loaded with good ones. LOL

[MarkPBG]

An old married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said :
"For God's sake ,Wayne !!!
Leave it on the porn channel!,
You already know how to fish"!!

credit to Chief on Cyclefish.com

[MarkPBG]

[Piute]

[shinyribs]

I love the part about the hacksaw and the hammer!!!

[MarkPBG]

I especially liked the hacksaw....until I found out about buying GOOD ones and REALLY tightening the blade, that joke was a real life experience EVERY TIME! lol

[MarkPBG]

The Missionary's Position  A missionary went to an island to teach the natives English. His first student was the tribal chief. The missionary pointed skyward and said "sky".  
The Chief said "sky".

The missionary pointed to his foot and said "shoe".  

The Chief said "shoe".  

This is great, thought the missionary as the two began walking together.  He's really catching on!  After a few minutes of more such lessons, they went around a bush and saw a man and woman hot and heavy in the throes of passion. The very proper missionary, totally startled and highly embarrassed, nervously said, "Man riding bike".

Instead of responding as he had been, though, the Chief ran up and put his spear through the heart of the man on top of the woman, killing him.

The horrified missionary asked, "What in God's name did you do THAT for?"

The Chief calmly replied, "MY bike!"

[MarkPBG]

Bear Joke: Astride his shiny new 125, Frank was thoroughly excited about going riding in the mountains for the first time. After going only a few miles, Frank was surprised to see what appeared to be a half-acre of brown fur just off the trail ahead. Recognizing it as a huge grizzly bear, Frank nailed the throttle hard, hoping to get by before the bear could react. The bear was too quick, though, and with one leap was totally blocking the trail. Frank had no choice but to stop.

"Now that you've disturbed my sleep", said the bear, "you have two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Frightened beyond belief, Frank decided to bend over.

Still sore a week later, Frank vowed revenge. Back to the cycle shop he went, where he traded in the 125 for a hot 250. Soon he was back on the mountain, heading down the trail. It wasn't long at all before he spotted the grizzly again, napping beside the trail. Feeling certain he had the necessary power this time, Frank nailed the throttle and shot ahead. But once again the bear was too quick, and again he blocked the trail. "That was a big mistake, Frank", said the bear. "But, you know the drill. Either I maul you to death or we have sex... rough sex." Fearful for his life, Frank again decided that it would be wise to comply.

This time it took weeks before Frank recovered enough to get around. But still outraged at the bear, he traded in the 250 and got the hottest 500 money could buy before heading back to the mountain. Now he could outrun the bear, and now he'd prove who was the master! And with the faster 500 under him, it took no time at all before he looked ahead and saw the huge grizzly again. Frank lowered his head, down shifted, and confidently nailed the throttle hard, rocketing ahead so quickly he was barely able to hang on. Incredibly, however, the bear was quicker still, and Frank had no choice but to come to a sliding halt in front of the bear now blocking the trail. A chill ran up his spine as he waited for the bear to speak.

"C'mon, Frank", said the bear. "Admit it. You don't come here to trail ride any more, do you?"

[MarkPBG]

THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.

He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl, while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming.

She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm - Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

[MarkPBG]

Frank decided to go out for a ride one fine Sunday morning. As he headed out along the highway next to the beach in the tropical paradise where he lived, he suddenly ran into what looked like a snowstorm! "How could this be?" thought Frank….it's 88 degrees and sunny out! Then again, the snow wasn't cold, but visibility was damn near less than 10 feet! As he carefully crept along, it began to clear up. Just ahead, upwind from where he was riding, was a large group of Harley riders that had stopped for breakfast. All their bikes had ape hangers on them. It was as the last one dismounted that Frank realized where the "snow" had come from. It was armpit dandruff from 40+ scruffy, dirty riders!

[Piute]

                   

                                               

In TheWind | Threaded
 
♦♦ Mar 29, 2008; 10:20am

New Project  
  I recently purchased a '77 CB750F, from some of the things I have read the F stands for F*#@!d.        
The biggest thing I have read is the top end is junk and
will not last like the K models and the carbs are questionable also.


  Piute             " nothing like good negative coments ,need to think of it like a JOKe

[MarkPBG]

TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day. His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store. He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.

[shinyribs]

[Piute]

thats not funny

[shinyribs]

I have my doubts as to whether this is actually a real ad,but i still like it



AN ACTUAL  PERSONAL AD
To  the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah  night  before
last.
Date:  2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was  the guy wearing the black Burberry  jacket that you demanded that
I hand over,  shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also  asked for my girlfriend's
purse and earrings.
I  can only hope that you somehow come across this  rather important
message.
First, I'd like to  apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't  expect
you to actually crap in your pants when I  drew my pistol after you took
my jacket.. The  evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the
jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just  bought me that Kimber
Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a
shoulder holster for it that very evening.  Obviously you agree that it
is a very  intimidating weapon when pointed at your head  ... isn't it?!
I  know it probably wasn't fun walking back to  wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge  in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse
walking bare-footed since I made you leave your  shoes, cell phone, and
wallet with me.
[That  prevented you from calling or running to your  buddies to come
help mug us  again].
After  I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her  listed in your
cell, I explained the entire  episode of what you'd done. Then I went
and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four  other people in the
gas station,
-- on your  credit card. The guy with the big motor home  took 150
gallons and was extremely  grateful!
I  gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie  Van Go Go's, along
with all the cash in your  wallet. [That made his day!] I  then threw
your wallet into the big pink "pimp  mobile" that was parked at the curb
... after I  broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire
driver's side of the  car.
Later, I called a bunch of  phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma
Bell  just now shut down the line, although I only  used the phone for a
little over a day now, so  what 's going on with that? Earlier, I
managed  to get in two threatening phone  calls to the DA's office and
one to  the FBI, while mentioning President Obama  as my possible
target.
The  FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice  long chat (I guess
while he traced your number  etc.).
In a  way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing  you . but I feel
this type of retribution is a  far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to  sort through some of
these rather immediate  pressing issues, and can only hope that you have
the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps  reconsider, the career
path you've chosen to  pursue in life. Remember, next time you might
not be so lucky.Have a good  day!
Thoughtfully  yours,
Alex

[Piute]

 That's not funny either :
but I like it keying the Pimp moble ,"O" thats going to hurt ..l.o.l.Piute..